There’s a story I really like and often share with my clients when they’re caught in a spiral of self-blame or emotional overwhelm. It’s called the "Chasing the Snake" effect, and it’s one of those simple but powerful ideas that helps us reframe pain—and ultimately, heal from it.

What Is the Chasing the Snake Effect?

Imagine this:
You’re out walking and suddenly get bitten by a venomous snake. What’s the right thing to do?
Most of us know the answer: stop the bleeding, keep calm, seek help.
But instead—you grab a stick and go after the snake, determined to catch it and get revenge.

By the time you catch the snake, the venom has already spreadthrough your body. You’ve ignored the wound and focused all your energy on the snake—and in the end, it’s not the snake that kills you. It’s your own refusal to stop and tend to your pain.

What It Looks Like in Real Life

This metaphor might sound extreme, but we all do this in subtle ways:

• A colleague criticizes you unfairly, and you replay the moment over and over in your head. You imagine comebacks, ways to get back at them, or obsess over what you should’ve said.

• You have a disagreement with someone close to you, and even after the conversation ends, your mind keeps fighting—wanting to “win” the argument, prove a point, or make them understand.

• Or maybe you said something awkward in a group setting, and afterward you’re like, “Why did I say that?” Then you spend hours or even days feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or emotionally drained.

In all of these situations, we’re not healing. We’re chasing the snake. The more we chase the snake, the more power it holds over us—and the longer it takes for us to feel whole again.

So What Can We Do Instead?

Here are a few things I’ve found helpful—for myself, and for clients. Maybe one of these will speak to you, too:

1. Name the emotion, then breathe.
When intense emotions hit, we often want to react—to blame, defend, or analyze.But the first step is just naming what you’re feeling:

“I’m really angry right now.”
“I feel deeply hurt.”
“I’m so disappointed.”

Say it to yourself like you’re acknowledging a friend’s pain. It might sound simple, but naming it helps us slow down and check in with ourselves—rather than jumping straight into overthinking or self-blame.

I usually suggest pairing this with a deep breath (or three). It’s like telling your brain, “Hey, we’re safe right now. We don’t have to fight.”

2. Ask: What need isn’t being met?
Behind every strong emotion is an unmet need. Maybe you needed respect. Maybe you wanted to feel heard. Maybe you just wanted to feel safe.

Sometimes, I ask clients:

“If this emotion could talk, what would it say it needs?”

When you figure out what your need is, the next question becomes:
“How can I meet that need now, in a healthier way?”

Sometimes we can get it from others. Sometimes we give it to ourselves.

3. Drop the need for perfection. Be human.
Many of us hold ourselves to impossible standards. So when something goes wrong, we turn the anger inward.
But often, the real pain isn’t from the moment itself—it’s from the judgment we layer on top of it.

You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re allowed to have flaws.You are not a bad person for saying the wrong thing.
You are not unworthy for not knowing the perfect response in the heat of an argument.

So instead of beating yourself up for not handling something perfectly, try this:

“I’m learning. I’m human. I’m still okay.”

4. Choose your focus. Own your emotions.
You can choose to chase the snake—or you can choose to stop, breathe, tend to the wound, and move toward healing.

You don’t have to give your power away by constantly reacting. You get to choose how long you hold on to something. You get to decide when to let go. Sometimes, just having that choice feels freeing.

And here’s something I often tell anxious clients:

The opposite of anxiety is specificity.

When we break big, overwhelming feelings into small, doable actions, we get unstuck.Make a list. Set one tiny goal. Focus on one thing you can control.Bit by bit, the fog clears.

A Final Thought

Pain is a part of life. So are unfair moments, awkward conversations, and things we wish we could redo.But healing doesn’t come from fighting what hurt us. It comes from giving ourselves the care we needed in the first place. It starts when we turn our attention back to ourselves.

Let the snake go.
You’ve got better things to do—with your heart, your time, and your life.