The Four Horsemen: How They Destroy Relationships (and What to Do Instead)
Every relationship faces conflict. Disagreements, tension, and misunderstandings are part of being human. But the way couples handle conflict can either strengthen a relationship — or slowly tear it apart.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading researchers in relationship psychology, identified four specific behaviors that are especially damaging. These behaviors are so predictive of relationship breakdown that they named them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
But here’s the good news: each of these behaviors has an antidote. With awareness and practice, couples can learn to replace toxic patterns with healthier ones and rebuild connection.
⸻
1. Criticism
What it looks like:
Criticism attacks your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior. It often starts with “you always” or “you never.”
Example:
“You never listen to me. You’re so selfish.”
Why it’s harmful:
Criticism makes your partner feel attacked and blamed, which often leads to defensiveness or emotional withdrawal.
The Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need without assigning blame.
Example:
“I feel unheard when I talk about my day. Can we set aside a few minutes to check in tonight?”
⸻
2. Defensiveness
What it looks like:
Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of denying responsibility or making excuses. It often turns the blame back onto the partner.
Example:
“I’m not the one with the problem — you’re always nagging.”
Why it’s harmful:
Defensiveness escalates conflict rather than resolving it. It shows you’re not open to feedback or repair.
The Antidote: Taking Responsibility
Acknowledge your part in the conflict, even if it’s small.
Example:
“You’re right — I didn’t follow through on what I said I’d do. Let me fix that.”
⸻
3. Contempt
What it looks like:
Contempt includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking, name-calling, or speaking down to your partner. It’s the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen.
Example:
“Oh please, like you’d ever do anything right.”
Why it’s harmful:
Contempt conveys disgust. It erodes respect and is the strongest predictor of divorce according to Gottman’s research.
The Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation
Express gratitude and appreciation regularly. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and small efforts.
Example:
“I appreciated how you helped with the dishes today. It meant a lot.”
⸻
4. Stonewalling
What it looks like:
Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal during conflict. The person shuts down, goes silent, or avoids responding.
Example:
(Silent treatment, walking away mid-conversation, refusing to engage)
Why it’s harmful:
It leaves the other partner feeling abandoned, dismissed, or rejected. Over time, it creates emotional distance.
The Antidote: Self-Soothing and Reconnection
Recognize when you’re emotionally overwhelmed and take a break to calm down. Then return to the conversation when ready.
Example:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need 20 minutes to calm down. I care about this and want to talk — can we try again soon?”
⸻
Final Thoughts: Turning Conflict Into Connection
The Four Horsemen don’t have to signal the end of a relationship. In fact, most couples use them at some point. What matters is how quickly you recognize them — and how committed you are to replacing them with healthier patterns.
Building a resilient relationship isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about learning how to fight well, repair quickly, and communicate with empathy and respect.
By understanding the Four Horsemen and using the antidotes, couples can create a relationship built on curiosity, connection, and mutual care.