What Is My Attachment Style and Can I Change It?
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship with someone who just can’t seem to commit, or who gets jealous whenever you mention a new friend? Maybe, if you’re honest, you’ve noticed some of these patterns in yourself. Navigating the world of relationships can feel like a rollercoaster, especially when emotional baggage from the past keeps showing up.
It’s easy to feel discouraged or even question your ability to build a healthy relationship when things keep going wrong. If you’ve looked for answers, you might have stumbled across the concept of “attachment styles”-a big topic in psychology that explores how our early experiences shape the way we connect with others.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are basically the blueprints for how we relate to people, especially in close relationships. These patterns start forming when we’re children, based on how our parents or caregivers responded to our needs. Did they comfort you when you were upset? Were they there when you needed them, or did you have to figure things out on your own? The answers to these questions lay the groundwork for how you’ll approach relationships as an adult.
To understand our attachment style, it can help to think about the way our primary caregivers/parents were present.
Were they always there for you?
Were they neglectful?
Was their presence inconsistent?
Who did you go to with concerns/problems?
Attachment theory states that having a secure attachment is possible when your caregiver was available and responsive to your needs, which made you feel safe. Having and creating a secure attachment style has important implications for a relationship because you learn to trust that your partner is there for you and will be able to fulfill your needs. If you have an insecure style, you learn that your partner won’t be able to care for you and that they will not be available when you need them.
Insecure Attachment Styles
Anxious Attachment: When a parent has been inconsistent in availability, the child learns to be confused about what to expect. As an adult, they may find it difficult to trust their partner, give them space or be clingy.
Avoidant Attachment: When a caregiver has been neglectful, the child learns to not rely on them and adopts a ‘fend for myself’ attitude. As an adult, this person may remain distant or find it difficult to be vulnerable in relationships.
Disorganised Attachment: This develops in a chaotic environment with possible experiences of abuse or trauma. The child learns that they do not have a primary caregiver and no “safe/secure base”.
Now the real question is whether attachment styles can changed to be more secure?
Changing Attachment Styles
The good news is, you’re not stuck with the relationship patterns you grew up with. While these habits are deeply rooted, it’s absolutely possible to move towards a more secure way of connecting. It takes self-awareness, effort, and sometimes the support of a therapist, but with time, you can learn to recognize old patterns and choose healthier ways to relate to your partner.
Building a secure relationship is about breaking out of those reflexive behaviors and learning to trust-both yourself and others. With patience and the right support, you can rewrite your story and build the kind of connection you truly want.